Hii,
Finally, I'm writing again!
I've been on quite a bumpy ride since my last post precisely - October 7, 2006. Its January 11, 2007 today.
Well, I scored 7 bands in IELTS, which proved a success for a change. Struggled really really hard for getting the visa papers ready. Got them ready F I N A L L Y. Out of all odds, submitted the duely filled application. Was all geared up. Castles in the air. Dreams, wishes. All excited. SMS reply to my request for the status. "Your Passport has been sent through Blue Dart Courier on 24/12/2006.
Couldn't sleep whole night. Eagerly waiting for the courier man. These guys come exceptionally slowly and late when you are most eager to have them knock at your door. around 3pm. Bhabhi calls in full excitement informing me that the courier man has come. I take the parcel with shaky hands sign the reciept, thank the man offer him water. The moment he is gone, I start opening it. Praying constantly. Bhabhi is praying too. I find in it my passport and a letter. I start reading the letter. My face goes white and pale. I come to read that my visa has been R E J E C T E D! ! ! ! What the fuck! How can this happen? WHY did it happen?? Thousands question with no concrete answer. Tears welled my eyes. Bhabhi shocked. Handed the letter over to her. Called up sis knowing it was middle of night there but couldn't stop myself. Told her between sobs what happend. Read the letter to her. All in shocked state of mind. She, but of course half asleep when she was told that.
All the dreams, the wishes that seemed coming true suddenly disappear. I could see them fly away from me. But couldn't do a heck. I was so god damn near success. I was about to kiss success F I N A L L Y. But it seems like "success" doesn't like me all that much. Anyways, I've done with the brooding, sulking and crying over it. Well, and that is in no way going to help me achieve anything other than self pity and false pity!
The fact remains that my Visa got rejected. I am rejected. And I'm back to square one. I can't stop myself from worrying for dad's health and else. Its less than two months for my exam. I'm trying my best to study hard. It might not be as hard as it probably should. First, I'm out of patience, willingness and heart to study the same old shitty books.
I am back to books. Studying day in and day out. A tight schedule and me. Confined myself to the four walls. No cellphone, no friends, no PC for most time. An hour or two in front of the PC at night is the only source of entertainment I'm open to. No, I'm not self pitying.
Tai is coming down to India around Feb. Something like Feb mid week probably. Now Bloody people have started taunting me and telling me to look at the cost of my studies. Tai has to leave her work and all the rest go out of her way and come here for my studies sake. I'm hating all this I'm telling you.
I hate obligations from anyone. She does it out of love for me. But I still don't like it so. Why shoush she or dad go out of their way for my sake?? I mean, WHY?? Why should someone put her other relations on stake and do soo much for me?? Why can I not stand up on my own feet? Who doesn't fall? Who doesn't get bruised? Why should I be all pampered all the time?? I indeed have had a bad fall lately. And nothing but fall. But; But why am I not allowed to come out of it and kiss success on my own?? Why should I be made soo dependent?? I no more want to depend on circumstances of people. All I want is freedom to be self dependent. WHY the fuck am I not allowed the same??? When I demand the same, why do I get sentimental and emotional threats???? And why the fuck do I give in?????
I still am trying to figure out the answers to the endless questions and yet am leading nowhere.
