All Wrong

Yes, Everything went wrong today.

Till I slept, everything was going fine. around 8:57 am, I told my dad that I was sleeping and asked him if he could wake me up by 10:30. Even though he gave me an affirmation, I again asked him if he was sure he would wake me up latest by 10:30 a.m. COME WHAT MAY? I got an affirmation again. I'm not sure if I put an alarm on my cell. I was too sleepy and don't exactly remember if I did. Just while I went to sleep, I received Sanika's text. I read it but postponed the replying till I would wake up. I went off to sleep.

The next moment I know, I was wide awake. I suddenly woke up and looked at the watch to know it was freaking 2 PM!! G O S H!!! I wasted 5 fucking hours!! I was sooo damn pissed and furious at my own self. Of course furious with dad. But not all that much 'cause I know that he must have tried his best to wake me up. But, damn it, how in the hell can I just doze off like that! I was soo damn furious that I couldn't just collect myself and get to work. I brushed my teeth got ready and all. I Started studying. But I just wasn't able to concentrate. I hate it so much when I don't wake up on time. I came online. Checked scraps, replied few. Had a chat with Amruta. But still I couldn't just get out of anger.

I went back to studies. Studied till something like 7:30. I mean I had the book open in my hand. I was reading. But nothing really went inside my freaking brains. And yet I consciously knew that I was wasting whole day 'cause of it and best would be to chuck it off and get over it.

Finally, I was bored. I decided to go to RMO. Meeting friends would help me change my mood and study at night. I called up Amit and asked him if he was going. He was. I told him I'll come after some time. "Some time" turned out to be an hour. It took me an hour to finally decide to go there. I wanted to go but as always, I was too lazy to drive all the way there. So, I got ready and started. On the way I picked up dad's cell and gave mine to the cellphone repairer. I went to RMO only to discover that no one was there. All of them had probably left early today.

It was past 9:15. I decided to go to Brewers instead. That is one place I sincerely like to go. There is no one to disturb and I get time to collect myself, compose myself and after I'm alright, return home. I went there, checked the cell and saw a 'missed call' from tai and sent her a text that I was driving and thus didn't notice the incoming call. I went in the cafe, talked a while with Ankur. Sat at the particular table and ordered some coffee. I was sipping the coffee, thinking about the day. Gathering self. Talking out to myself. When the cell rang. Tai.

I sooooo much hate to be disturbed when I'm out in the evening. That is the time when I don't want tai or baba or bhupendra or anyone else to talk about anything back home. I don't want my home or anyone related to be near me. I want that time for MYSELF. A couple of friends pulling each other's legs or discussing on general current affairs, movies, TV or silly gossips. But a " N O " about life, problems, studies, health or other issues of concern. And THAT is when Tai "L O V E S" to ping me. I must have told her "n" number of times "N O T " to call me when I'm out. but I guess I've not conveyed it properly. She started with the regular stuff. Asked me about when I'd be returning home. Then about studies. And everything else I DID NOT want to talk about. But then I couldn't open my mouth and tell her to just hang up. So I kept answering her questions controlling my anger. Finally, the conversation ended. I resumed to reading the newspaper and sipping the coffee. And, to my thoughts too. But now, I was too furious to think anything positive. Some more time and the glass of coffee was empty. I paid off the bill. Said a bye to Ankur and left.

Still, the furious thoughts clouding in my mind.. Trying hard to push the fury away, I started thinking positive.. Its 6 days to go! Tai is coming here on 8th. Isn't it so funny, I'm eager to receive her and thus am waiting for those 6 days to pass by really fast. At the same time I want those days to go as slow as they can so that I can complete maximum syllabus till then.

But fury didn't seem to get off so easily.. Then I remembered that she is going to be around only for three months. I have been craving for company. Six days and I'll have it. Time will fly and I'll be alone again! Damn! Just when I'd be used to having company. Someone around me, I'd be all alone again. Why is it that when I learn to be lonely, someone comes to wipe away the loneliness and when it is near wiped, I'm all alone again? I get the freedom. Learn to control self. Start getting independent and the freedom disappears. I've to be dependent again.

From the day she comes, my schedules, routine, targets are to change tremendously. I'm not used to that. Since last two years. I've been living alone and yet not so alone. Now I'm to live in a company. How am I to deal with it? And it is quite obvious that we, myself and tai gonna end up quarreling every other day. I don't want that. I don't want her to be sad. I don't want dad to be sad. But how am I to explain them that I'm not the same Chaitrali. I don't want to be a goody goody girl. I don't want to keep pleasing everyone else and hurting myself so much. But at the end of the day, I know I just wont be able to please myself. I know I don't have the capacity to put my pleasure first. But how am I going to avoid all those fights and quarrels between me and tai, between tai and dad? Why can't things just be??

I visualized episodes after episodes of fights, quarrels, arguments.. all possible reasons for them and all possible things that I am sure going to happen. I visualized the episodes of the moments we, myself, tai, baba spending "quality" time together.. Just a blink of an eye and all will disappear. All those good moments will become a past and it will be time for tai to leave for Canada. At the thought of these, I just couldn't help but cry. Before I knew, I had reached home. Wasn't yet "alright" though.

The moment I entered, dad started grumbling about things. I didn't eat my lunch in the afternoon. I consume a Lot of caffeine these days. and blah blah blah. Why can't a person just take a chill. I still fail to understand why he has to keep grumbling and nagging every moment we are together. As much as I crave for company, I try to be as much away as I can from him. 'cause again, from the moment we meet till the moment we depart, all my ears going to get is nagging. My already disturbed, upset, frustrated and furious mind got yet more disturbed, upset, frustrated and furious. I answered nothing. Listened to all that he said.

He called me for dinner. I was anything but hungry. I have to take caffeine to keep myself awake for long hours and caffeine kills appetite. WHY can't he understand that??? Why has there to be a problem in E V E R Y T H I N G I do?? Am I ALL WRONG?? So the nagging starts again. Because I always skip meals.

Finally, to avoid the nag and everything else, I got a plate angriliy, served myself and came to the computer to eat my food. Cell rang, it was Tai. She had told me earlier while I was at brewers that she wanted to talk to dad. So I handed the cell to him. I don't know what work she had or what they talked about it. It is none of my business. Now, the other day, tai had told me not to consume much of milk as it healthy for the illness I suffer from. That was the reason I gave to dad for drinking black coffee. Dad asked about it to tai and discussion about "how chaitrali misbehaves. Or rather doesn't do this and doesn't do that. or does this, does that started. I kept my mouth shut. The cell was passed to me. I answered the questions and it went back to dad. I have no clue what further conversation took place on the phone. As I said before, it is none of my business..

I finished my food. Resumed to my studies. Yet couldn't stop my mind from thinking about what I've just written and concentrate on what I was studying. Thus this blog post.

And yet I know, they scold me, nag me, grumble, for my good. Tai calls me, to see I'm fine cause she cares for me. I also do understand that she doesn't deliberately call me at the wrong times or rather at a time when I don't want to be disturbed. It just happens to be so. And I do understand that.
BUT sometimes, it goes overboard. And that is when All goes Wrong..


Cheerios.