I'm so sick and tired of petty things in life.. So sick and tired of worrying about money at every step.
Spending doesn't feel like spending. Each penny spent feels like a burden and there's no joy whatsoever attached with it even if it is something I've longed to posses or something I badly need.
All my life, you've spent all you've had and all you've not had on me.. But never has there been any satisfaction; and there's a good reason to it. Every single penny spent brings that expression of concern on your face. You say it or you don't and even if you try to conceal it, it's there. The concern as to how you're going to repay the loan you took to buy me that. Before spending, there's a concern as to how you're going to manage to buy that. How're you gonna "arrange" the money for the ration, and for everything else, and after spending, it's the concern as to how you're gonna repay the debts.
How I wish you'd have been much more responsible when should have been.. I know you don't have any regrets about it. But I wish you'd realize what you've put everyone around you through. The lady silently took it all and when she couldn't handle the pressure of her daughter's dreams and her man's restrictions, it messed her up too much to live.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you for anything. Infact, I feel it's been my fault all along. The trouble is that I'm a big dreamer. I dream big things, I wish for big things. When I don't get them, it disappoints me. More often than not, I don't even bother to share those dreams. But I'm sure you read it in my eyes because I've seen the resentment in yours when you couldn't fulfill those unspoken wishes or dreams.
I completely understand that reality is much far worse than my perfect dreamworld. The two worlds would perhaps never be one.
But what hurts the most is the lack of encouragement. For years and years I've tried every bit I could to just help. Help you cope up with life, made a thousand foolproof plans to earn enough to repay all the debts and have sufficient to live life in a bigger and fuller way. And none of those plans worked, and as I said before, for a good reason. One good reason.
Once daddy, just ONCE try saying something in the lines of, " Go ahead my daughter, I have faith in you. This once you won't fail".. Trust me dad, your faith is all I need and I won't fail you. Instead of questioning and cross-questioning and trying your best to put me off, just for Once, try having faith in me.. Sentiments and their expression matter a lot. They really do. How I wish I could convey this to you and my sister.
There are only two people in the whole world that really matter to me and that's in a way the biggest tragedy of my life. Neither of them has a positive outlook towards life and no matter how hard I try to be positive, I'm always put off. ANYTHING good or bad I attempt to do, I always get negative comments, and reasons why it won't work out. Almost always, the field is something they barely know of, I wonder why can't they just tell me to consult someone experienced in the field before treading in rather than giving me a thousand reasons why I shouldn't tread it. Why can't they bother to research a little before making stupid comments.
By now, I'm so sure that they've no faith in me. But since I do in them, I'm sure they must be having a good reason for that. May be, I'm just not worthy of their faith..
If there's such a thing has Lord, he knows how hard I've tried to please you, to do everything I can to get you out of debts, to get US out of debts so we can live life.. Just if SOMEONE had faith in me. Just if SOMEONE would Confidently had faith it me.....
You know what dad, for months before I got my first salary, I'd been thinking about buying myself a pair of floaters because all I had for footwear was a pair of worn out shoes. I didn't go to formal functions because I had nothing to wear and I didn't want to embarrass you. But I never complained. When I started working, I decided to buy a specific pair of floaters that I'd seen in a shop once when I'd been to it with a friend who was shopping. The day I got the salary, I went to the shop but couldn't go it. I just stood there staring inside crying endlessly not knowing what to do. I stood there like a dumb retard. Eventually, I took a U turn and came straight back home and cried to the pillow. I wasn't able to spend that money because I knew there were debts you had to pay. I knew that there was no money for the household expenses. I knew that even if I bought it, I would have the guilt of spending it on something that wasn't a bare necessity for existence. So I bought vegetables and fruits for the week later that afternoon. When you returned home that evening, you yelled at me for buying fruits for they're an expensive bunch of commodities.
You've no idea how suffocating it was. You've no idea how suffocating it still is. There's the burden of guilt of spending that I carry all the while. There's the burden of a big disappointment I'm to you that I carry too.
Certainly more than once in life have I thought about ending it all but never executed anything towards it knowing all too well how much your and Tai's life will be affected by it. So I live. I exist.
And that's all I do.
While I do that, intermittently, I dream and then I try desperately to get us out of this only to be put off by either or both of you and then I keep it all to myself and return to merely existing. As I exist, I have to spend, as I spend, the burden of guilt increases and with it the imbalance..
But I still do exist. With one hope.. that one day, One day, you'll say that you have faith in me. One day you'll have confidence in me......
I hope to see that ray of hope before I cease to exist..
Spending doesn't feel like spending. Each penny spent feels like a burden and there's no joy whatsoever attached with it even if it is something I've longed to posses or something I badly need.
All my life, you've spent all you've had and all you've not had on me.. But never has there been any satisfaction; and there's a good reason to it. Every single penny spent brings that expression of concern on your face. You say it or you don't and even if you try to conceal it, it's there. The concern as to how you're going to repay the loan you took to buy me that. Before spending, there's a concern as to how you're going to manage to buy that. How're you gonna "arrange" the money for the ration, and for everything else, and after spending, it's the concern as to how you're gonna repay the debts.
How I wish you'd have been much more responsible when should have been.. I know you don't have any regrets about it. But I wish you'd realize what you've put everyone around you through. The lady silently took it all and when she couldn't handle the pressure of her daughter's dreams and her man's restrictions, it messed her up too much to live.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you for anything. Infact, I feel it's been my fault all along. The trouble is that I'm a big dreamer. I dream big things, I wish for big things. When I don't get them, it disappoints me. More often than not, I don't even bother to share those dreams. But I'm sure you read it in my eyes because I've seen the resentment in yours when you couldn't fulfill those unspoken wishes or dreams.
I completely understand that reality is much far worse than my perfect dreamworld. The two worlds would perhaps never be one.
But what hurts the most is the lack of encouragement. For years and years I've tried every bit I could to just help. Help you cope up with life, made a thousand foolproof plans to earn enough to repay all the debts and have sufficient to live life in a bigger and fuller way. And none of those plans worked, and as I said before, for a good reason. One good reason.
Once daddy, just ONCE try saying something in the lines of, " Go ahead my daughter, I have faith in you. This once you won't fail".. Trust me dad, your faith is all I need and I won't fail you. Instead of questioning and cross-questioning and trying your best to put me off, just for Once, try having faith in me.. Sentiments and their expression matter a lot. They really do. How I wish I could convey this to you and my sister.
There are only two people in the whole world that really matter to me and that's in a way the biggest tragedy of my life. Neither of them has a positive outlook towards life and no matter how hard I try to be positive, I'm always put off. ANYTHING good or bad I attempt to do, I always get negative comments, and reasons why it won't work out. Almost always, the field is something they barely know of, I wonder why can't they just tell me to consult someone experienced in the field before treading in rather than giving me a thousand reasons why I shouldn't tread it. Why can't they bother to research a little before making stupid comments.
By now, I'm so sure that they've no faith in me. But since I do in them, I'm sure they must be having a good reason for that. May be, I'm just not worthy of their faith..
If there's such a thing has Lord, he knows how hard I've tried to please you, to do everything I can to get you out of debts, to get US out of debts so we can live life.. Just if SOMEONE had faith in me. Just if SOMEONE would Confidently had faith it me.....
You know what dad, for months before I got my first salary, I'd been thinking about buying myself a pair of floaters because all I had for footwear was a pair of worn out shoes. I didn't go to formal functions because I had nothing to wear and I didn't want to embarrass you. But I never complained. When I started working, I decided to buy a specific pair of floaters that I'd seen in a shop once when I'd been to it with a friend who was shopping. The day I got the salary, I went to the shop but couldn't go it. I just stood there staring inside crying endlessly not knowing what to do. I stood there like a dumb retard. Eventually, I took a U turn and came straight back home and cried to the pillow. I wasn't able to spend that money because I knew there were debts you had to pay. I knew that there was no money for the household expenses. I knew that even if I bought it, I would have the guilt of spending it on something that wasn't a bare necessity for existence. So I bought vegetables and fruits for the week later that afternoon. When you returned home that evening, you yelled at me for buying fruits for they're an expensive bunch of commodities.
You've no idea how suffocating it was. You've no idea how suffocating it still is. There's the burden of guilt of spending that I carry all the while. There's the burden of a big disappointment I'm to you that I carry too.
Certainly more than once in life have I thought about ending it all but never executed anything towards it knowing all too well how much your and Tai's life will be affected by it. So I live. I exist.
And that's all I do.
While I do that, intermittently, I dream and then I try desperately to get us out of this only to be put off by either or both of you and then I keep it all to myself and return to merely existing. As I exist, I have to spend, as I spend, the burden of guilt increases and with it the imbalance..
But I still do exist. With one hope.. that one day, One day, you'll say that you have faith in me. One day you'll have confidence in me......
I hope to see that ray of hope before I cease to exist..
0 Comments:
Post a Comment